Eureka's Top 9 Baddies Ranked: Number 3 Will Surprise You!

February 4, 2020

Eureka is a series of movies created by Pymm Productions - if you haven’t heard of them it’s probably because you don’t live in Englefield Green, it’s fair to say they’re a little bit niche.

In Eureka: Journey to the Underworld and the Christmas special Eureka and the Five Gold Rings, Eureka and Brad face a number of monsters and gods, some of whom are easier to defeat than others. Join me as I rank each in reverse order of how formidable they are.

#9. Cerberus

Cerberus, the three-headed guardian to the underworld, doesn’t really achieve a lot. Perhaps he lacked ambition after resigning himself to guarding a portal, or maybe he was more of a lover than a fighter. Either way, this baddy clearly has more bark than bite. After howling a bit, the stationary Cerberus was easily gunned down by Eureka aiming from the hip with Arnie’s Magical Machine gun.

If you’re in the market for a magical guard dog I’d recommend J. K. Rowling’s Fluffy.

#8. The Werewolves

Cerberus’s furry friends, the hungry werewolf and her undead counterpart, put up more of a fight than their three-headed compatriot but calling them a challenge would be poor commentary on my part.

The first werewolf turned up to the fight already dead, and then proceeded to die a second time - not a good look. The second werewolf did survive to fight a second time, but I think we can solidly put that down to Eureka’s lack of familiarity with modern weapon handling as opposed to any kind of real skill in combat on her part.

If you’re a werewolf, and you’re hungry I’d recommend looking at a local supermarket rather than trying to bite at Greek warrior women.

#7. Medusa

Medusa, receives bonus points for managing to tie up Brad, but that’s where credit ends. Unable to stab even a solo blindfolded Eureka, it’s a difficult sell to suggest she outshines the rest of our list.

Cold, rock, hard stone, at number seven you shall be!

#6. Michael the Minotaur

Michael the Minotaur is dab-worthy character, if not only for his gritty epic battle versus Bradley in the underworld. Unfortunately, this Minotaur falls just shy of the top five after missing the mark in his debut scene at the bridge.

After smashing Eureka and Brad with his solo hammer antics, he goes and literally throws it all away by inexplicably tossing his hammer aside in favour of choking Bradley with his paws. What a blunder! Shortly afterwards, Michael can be found on the floor with two swords pointed at his chest.

A note to all would be combatants out there, chucking away your weapon in a battle should be immediately followed by waving a white flag, placing your hands on your head, or challenging your opponents to a poetry recital.

Fortunately for us, our foul beast manages to cheat death and appear again at the end of Eureka to demonstrate savagery is a state of mind.

#5. Hades

The big cheese! The top dog! The head honcho! The premier inn! The lord of hell himself - a man who means business and knows what style looks like. A man who understands the primacy recency effect and uses it to cement his image in the mind of the viewers. A man, who unfortunately doesn’t understand that top five in a list of nine Eureka baddies, is much less desirable charting a top five in the UK Top 40.

For Hades - it’s really the start where he went wrong. Summoning the dead is an impressive tactic, I like to try it myself now and then, but, if you’re going to do it - it’s much more impressive if you can actually do it. Neither Brad nor Eureka were particularly worried after Tommy Tatarus scraped the bottom of the barrel to defend himself after our heroic duo rocked up at the underworld unannounced, and why should they be? Having nearly killed the Minotaur and the werewolf earlier in the day, I’d be surprised if they weren’t thankful for the opportunity to finish the job. Not to mention - neither of them were dead.

Rather than pressing his numbers advantage, Hades sat back watched as his not-so-dead army proceeded to capitulate, whilst equipping our heroes with a hammer and fur autumnal shawl before deciding to get stuck in himself.

Fortunately for us who like our heroes competently bad, Hades clearly spent of a lot time watching the Star Wars original trilogy, and goes on to deliver a convincing bit of sword play whilst practising his best Palpatine x Machiavelli monologue - with his hostages in plain sight. Whilst the lord of the underworld was ultimately fated for defeat, he made it a rocky enough road to get there and did it with enough style that he makes the top half of this list.

P.S. If you want to kill someone and steal their boyfriend, gifting them a sword is optional.

#4. The Siren

Now we’re onto the good stuff!

A tragically short lived character, the Siren demonstrates what it means to be an efficient killer with a plan. She knew what it took to get the job done, and wasn’t afraid to do it.

Coming with your own soundtrack is pretty bants, and popping up with a combination of fearsome and sexy that your enemies are forced to acknowledge is the ultimate definition of bad.

The siren wasn’t perfect, she didn’t anticipate that Eureka might have been equipped by Zeus (Schrodinger’s Asshole of the Gods) with magical headphones - but then who could’ve? If not for those headphones it was pretty clear Brad and Eureka would be putting up daisies. Of course, let’s not forget The Siren deserves a gold star for saving Michael the Minotaur.

Now, onto number three! This one will surprise you!

#3. The Disease

Ah, yes! The disease! It killed Eureka’s mother, it killed Eureka’s father, and plagued the ancient world.

Actual death? Well that’s something that not even Hades could manage. Don’t @ me.

#2. Orpheus

This sneaky little chancer fools them all. After handily beating Eureka in the opening scene of the film, he nearly convinces her to sleep with him. Thank God the film was a PG 12A! After kicking the ass of one of the most ferocious fighting female with fearsome firepower, this fit fella then charmed the pants off Death himself, broke the heart of his girlfriend, and then ran off into the sunset to live his best life.

Nefarious or what?

#1. The Mystic Pigeon

Not much needs to be sad about the baddest baddy of them all. Mystic Pidgeon demonstrated that judging a pidgeon by the colour of its feathers is the quickest way to ending up on the wrong end of a sword.

Not even Arnie’s Gun of Infinite Ammo could penetrate the hide of this particular monster, and after half a dozen rounds of sword play it was clear that Eureka and Brad’s combat skills were outmatched by this pigeon’s mystic arts.

If you ask me, this pigeon isn’t dead - because dreams can’t die.

Last Updated: 2022-04-06 13:57